Thoughts in the Dark
by Elina
Summary: When everything else is stripped down, there's nothing else left but the dark and the thoughts.
1. Donna

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Author: Elina

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Summary: "How did it end up this way?"

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Disclaimer: These people? Not mine.

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Feedback: Always appreciated.

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Author's note: Written in 20 minutes. My record. Someone, I can't remember who, on the J/D list complained that angst isn't appreciated enough. I took that as a challenge *g*. You called for angst, I'll give you angst. 

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Rating: R

***

Have you found the perfect one yet? 

Have you found the one? She asks. She tells you. She smiles at you. And you think, 'hey, this is not what I called for'. She's the one, you say, but you know you're just saying that so that the universe won't blow storms at you. That you won't take another fall. Then you turn around and you see me. You ask. You tell me. You smile at me. 

But I'm not there. I'm not really there. It's a shadow of me that you see.

How did it end up this way? My plane has left the ground, it's flown through the clouds and entered the space between Here and Nowhere. But you're not in it. How did it end up this way?

She smiles to you. She asks if everything is OK. And you smile, you smile that smile that doesn't quite reach your eyes, they don't sparkle, not the way they did with me. But they don't scream with hatred either, not the way they did with me. You hold her hand but the warmth of your body is colder than before. But she doesn't know, because she hasn't had you. You. You. You. It has always been you. Us. How did it end up this way?

There was a note on the table. I left it there for you. _Forgive me,_ it said, _forgive me for leaving you like this. Forgive me for not ever finding my way in._ It said much more, too. But you never got it. The wind grabbed it, made it dance and together they flew to the sky. And you won't understand. You won't even ever know. When they find me, you won't understand and you won't know. I was leaving you anyway, so who cares if it's this way? But you won't understand.

You never did, did you?

Pierced through my heart, they'll say, the knife, pierced through my heart. Just like your words. I didn't do it. You have to believe me: It wasn't me. It was somebody else. I watched that someone take that knife, I watched the hand reach out and take the knife. I watched the blade gleam in the moon light. I'd been crying the entire night, for you. He was standing in the corner. The entire time. I didn't see him. You have to forgive me. I didn't see him. 

I begged him. I cried and I begged. His eyes were cold, his hands even colder. I didn't want to do it. He made me to. He pushed me on the floor and made me to. It didn't hurt. Not as much as I thought it would. I just lay there and it didn't hurt, not much. It didn't hurt when he did all those horrible things to me.

Do you believe there's something on the other side? _On the other side of what_, you'd ask and smile. Your dimples would light up the dark. I'm not afraid of the dark, don't worry. I'm not afraid of the dark. There's light in the dark. There's always light in the dark. It's not that scary, drifting away, you should know, you've been here, you should know. But you came back. I won't.

He kept hurting me, but I didn't feel anything anymore. It didn't hurt. It's just cold. His hands were cold around my wrists. It didn't hurt, don't cry. Don't cry. 

I closed my eyes and thought about you. I thought about all the horrible things we said to each other and how I can never take them back now. And I cried, not because he's hurting me but because you are. And I'm too. I cried because now you'll never know how much I really cared.

It didn't hurt when he pierced my heart with that knife. My heart's been pierced before, it's grown numb. It didn't hurt.

Now he's gone.

And so am I. 


	2. Josh

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Author: Elina

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Summary: "Please. Stop crying. Stop screaming."

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He's yelling.

The door is shaking, thumbing, complaining against my back as his fists hit it. His holler makes it vibrate. 

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So, you keep climbing into every one's beds these days, do you? What about that Willie-boy? You've fucked him yet?

My body jerks as your hand hits by cheek. Hard. Like a scourge. Then I notice that it's the memory of it that is slashing me.

Oh my God... Please. Don't do this. Don't...

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You don't give a shit how many souls you sell along the way as long as you get your victory.

I bury my face in my hands, to make you stop screaming. To make myself stop seeing you. Your eyes. Your face. And all the hatred. Something burns my skin, my hands and my eyes, my cheeks. Fire streams. _Their tears, Josh. So, now your crying when there's no point in it anymore?_

Please. Stop crying. Stop screaming. Please. Just come back. Please.

I hear another voice joining the choir behind the door. I have no idea of how long I've sat there on the floor. "Josh!" they yell, they yell. They scream. Like sirens. They always disappeared when you were there. "Josh!" _Josh, Josh, Josh, what have you done now?_ They all die, don't they? _Save yourself, you're sold to the other side._ The other side of what? _Of me._ There's no you. _Not anymore._ Jesus Christ... "Josh!!"

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You obnoxious little prick...

"Josh! Open up!" There's another voice in the choir. _Yeah, Josh, open up. Arms wide open. _I can't.

Pierced through your heart, he said. The knife, pierced through your heart. Your sweet, kind heart. _It was quick, Josh, she wasn't hurting._ Oh, what do you know about hurting, you hypocrite?

She always asked. Amy always asked. 'Have you found the perfect one yet?' She asked, she smiled, she told me. I always smiled back at her wondering eyes and told her, assured her. She didn't need assuring. She needed to control. I saw you there that one day, you remember? When I told her, assured her. Remember the way you looked at me from the doorway when you thought that I hadn't noticed you? I always noticed you, how could I not? And then, when you looked at me and you heard me tell her once again... You knew that I was lying. You knew.

How did it end up this way?

Another round of banging the door. The door shakes and my body shakes with it. I can hear them pleading. He came here, he dared to come here in the middle of the night to tell me that... He dared to say I'm sorry. He dared to cry. He has no right to cry for you. They have no right to cry for you. They didn't do anything to you. I did. They don't have the right to feel guilty. If there only had been something I could've done to prevent this, he said with his voice thick with tears. There was, I told him, you could've left me there to bleed to death against that concrete wall. He started crying. I threw him out. 

He's yelling. You're yelling. You're yelling in my head. Stop yelling. Stop crying. Please. I'm so sorry, please, you have to 

forgive

me.

Please. I'm sorry. God, I'm so sorry...

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What do you know about heart ache? What do you know about being killed everyday by *you*, by every word you breath? What do you know about that? 

I'm yelling. I don't know when I started. The screams echo in the empty room.

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Every day, every fucking day you look at me and your eyes tell me how much you despise me for what I've done! You can't just let go, can you, you arrogant fuck? You just have to keep punishing me to make yourself feel better, you just *have* to keep winning the final score! 

They're yelling louder now, screaming, bellowing. Josh, Josh, they scream. Josh, let us in, Josh, don't do anything stupid, Josh, Josh, Josh, Josh, bang, bang, bang, somebody call the police, bang, bang, bang, bang, Josh, bang, bang, let us in, open up, we can help you, please, Josh, bang, bang.

Bang.

You hate me. I don't want you to hate me.

Bang, bang, bang, Josh, let us in.

I can't stop imagining it. I can't stop. I can't stop seeing you on the floor, him on top of you. I can't stop seeing you there, hurting, crying and begging him to stop. I scream louder. I yell at him to get off of you, but he doesn't listen. He doesn't listen. He can't hear. And I can't stop seeing. 

It feels like all that is keeping me from shredding into pieces, all that is keeping me together is the hard surface of the door that keeps my body up. It shakes when their fists bounce against it, demandingly. Open up, they yell. I can't. I haven't been able to stand up for hours. At least it feels like hours. In the other hand I think it's only been a blink of an eye.

God, I loved you. I love you even still. _Who do you think you're kidding? You gave up on me years ago._ No. Don't think that. It's not true. No, it has always been you. Only you. 

And it always will be. 


	3. Toby

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Author: Elina  
**Summary: **"I heard them. When they thought that nobody was hearing."

Rating: R for the language. 

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I heard them. When they thought that nobody was hearing, that there wasn't a single soul there anymore, I heard them arguing. No, not arguing. Fighting. Screaming. At first I couldn't make out the words so I walked out of my office to see what's going on. 

They were fighting. I've never seen them fighting. 

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What about that Willie-boy? You've fucked him yet? 

I saw her hand slashing against his cheek and I jumped. I saw the hatred in her eyes. He didn't even blink. 

An angry voice, a furious hiss carried all the way down the corridor to me. _You obnoxious little prick..._ _Who the hell do you think you are to judge me?_

Every day, every fucking day you look at me and your eyes tell me how much you despise me for what I've done! You can't just let go, can you, you arrogant fuck? You just have to keep punishing me to make yourself feel better, you just *have* to keep winning the final score! 

I remember shivering under their anger. 

They didn't know that I was watching. Through all of it. They were too focused in their anger. But what saddens me the most is that they couldn't see the looks on each other's faces when they turned away. They were shattered, torn apart. 

And now this.

I watch CJ pushing the door open. Josh finally moved enough for us to get it open. The room is dark. Just as I remember it being. 

He's darker. Crumbled. A shadow of a man crashed on the floor. He isn't screaming anymore, hasn't been for a long time now, he just sits there. Shred to pieces. Shaking.

So am I.

I was so afraid. When I'd got the call, the first thing in my mind was to go to tell him. Just tell him. Be there for him. It was one a.m. but I still drove here and woke him up.

The most threatening thing was the silence. The most frightening. 

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I'm so sorry, Josh... I'm just so... If there only had been something I could've done to prevent this...

There was. Finally, a quiet whisper. Agonized whisper. _You could've left me there to bleed to death against that concrete wall._

He threw me out. And I don't think that I've ever experienced anything more terrifying than tonight. I called CJ. I didn't know what else I could do. She called Leo.

We banged his door for an hour. _Josh, open up! Josh! Josh, please! Don't do anything stupid!_ He wouldn't open up. The neighbor called the police and they got the janitor to open the door. 

He's crying. CJ kneels over him, takes him in her arms. She hushes him, rocks him in her embrace. I killed her, I hear him sob. No, no. Don't say that. Don't think that, Josh. Please, don't say that. 

His quiet, desperate sobbing in front of us is more scaring than his screaming behind the door when we weren't sure if he was going to do something to himself. I feel helpless. Completely useless under his grief. 

I had heard his phone ringing when I'd been on my way out of the White House. I'd cursed it but, since no one sane calls at that hour without a reason, I'd picked the phone up.

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Mr. Lyman? No, this is Tobias Ziegler. Oh, I'm sorry. Is there a place from where I could reach Mr. Lyman? It's pretty late, buddy, it's better that you just talk to me. Oh, yes, of course. Naturally. Mr. Ziegler, do you know a young woman called Donnatella Moss? Yes, I know her very well. Then I guess you're the right person after all. What is this about? I have some bad news, Mr. Ziegler. Would you like to sit down before I tell them? Oh my God...

I killed her, he still sobs. I can't see his face, it's buried against CJ's neck. She starts to cry. Leo can't look at him; I can see his shoulders shaking as he turns away. I feel sick. I killed her, don't say that, I'm so sorry, I killed her, no, no, it's not your fault, please, don't. Say. That.

I back away from the door way, away from their overwhelming sorrow. Back to the hallway. Back to the elevator. Back to the street. 

When I get there, I throw up over the handrail. I throw up until I can't get anything out anymore. I crash down onto the stair. My hand, my grab is too weak to hold on to the rail anymore and it falls too. My head is humming.

There's nothing I could do. You arrogant fuck. I keep hearing those words echo in my mind, all over again. Why do I feel like they're meant for me?

Only then I realize that I'm crying. 


	4. Dusk

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Author: Elina

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Summary: "Tell mommy that I love her, will you, sweetheart? You can tell her yourself, daddy. I might not."

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Rating: Pretty clean. I'd say... hmmm.... PG-13, to be on the safe side. (Hey, I finally got rid of the cursing part of me! *g*)

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Author's notes: Beth, you requested a happy ending (thanks for the idea). Well, I don't know if this is so happy, but here it is anyway. So, this is for you. Hope you like it. Thanks to all the lovely people who send me feedback during this little 'is going to be/isn't going to be' series of mine! Now, to the story...

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There had been an excruciating pain. It had choked me. I hadn't been able breathe. I'd fallen on the floor and black was all I'd seen. Black. The next thing I remember is waking up in a hospital somewhere. I saw faces around me, looking worried. June, Samuel, Rita. June squeezed my hand, tight. Daddy, don't give up yet, she whispered. Samuel and Rita need you, they're still so small. I'm sorry, sweetheart, I can't help it. Tell mommy that I love her, will you, sweetheart? You can tell her yourself, daddy. I might not. I love you all. I love you too, daddy.

I remember her face wrinkling as she turned away. Then I closed my eyes, I can remember that also. I just closed my eyes. And I fell back into the coal black world of dream.

Now, I can feel myself breathing. I can feel the moist air in the room whelm around my face. I can hear the peeping.

I'm just so tired. So tired.

The monitor keeps peeping. I can hear it through the daze. Steady peeps. One. Two. Three...

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Open your eyes, Josh.

It's like I'm floating in the air. It all feels very natural. So real. I feel a hand brushing mine. _Open your eyes. _I do as the voice tells me to.

Oh my God...

You're here. Why are you here?

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I've always been here. Who else would take care of you if not me?

The monitor keeps peeping. Somebody, a male voice, is talking next to me but I can't see him anywhere. It's a distant voice, pushing it's way through. But it's fading. It's replaced by the sound of your smile. Your dazzling smile. Your beautiful smile. 

You haven't gotten older, not a day. _You have._ I know. The years leave their mark. _I know. To me you still seem just the same. Just the same. _I'm so -- _Shush, don't say a word. It's okay._

It's not. You can't believe the years it took for me to leave it behind. And even still it was always there. 

You were always there. 

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Didn't you hear me? Didn't you hear me that one night, years later, when you had taken off the mask that you wore at daylight and crumbled on the floor? Didn't you hear me?

Yes. I heard you. Don't cry. Don't cry, you said. 

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It's been so long. So long. So many years. Were you ever happy?

I close my eyes. The tears burn my eyelids. Yes, it has been so long. So many years. Happy? Was I happy?

There were moments. The pain stopped hurting so much when time passed. Yes, there were moments when I was happy. Like when my children were born. I looked at them, their screaming little red faces and I thought 'I created this, how beautiful it is'.

And then there were moments when something brought you up and I shattered inside. Moments like the second after I took a look at June with a smile on my face and suddenly thought that she looks so like you. Moments when it all came rushing over me once more like a hurricane and I couldn't do anything but cry. After all those years there was always something reminding me of you. 

Those moments got easier with time.

Inhaling hurts. But not as bad as I thought it would. You just smile at me, understanding, with your hand still brushing my temple as if brushing all the bad memories away. I lean against your touch. It feels so good.

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I love them. I love them all very much. Liz is wonderful, and you should see Samuel and Rita. I love them. But never as much as I loved you. God, I never told you...

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Yes, you did. You did.

I feel my heart racing, it's beating again in a steady rhythm. I'm not sure if it makes me happy or not.

I look at you.

When? When did I tell you?

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Every day. Every day when you looked at me, your eyes would tell the world to me. Just for me. Every word you breathed. Every day.

A quiet whisper, a child's voice works its way through the dusk.

"Daddy? I brought you a picture. Can you see?" 

It breaks my heart to hear his little voice. It brakes my heart that I can't open my eyes for the last time and look at his picture.

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It's beautiful. It has all of you in it, your house and flowers and sunshine. He might become an artist someday. You smile and look at something next to my bed, at something that I just can't see, no matter how much I try.

Does it hurt?

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Dying? Your hand touches me once more, softly, like a sudden breeze of wind caressing my forehead. I close my eyes to suck the feeling in. _No, it doesn't hurt. There's nothing to be afraid of. _

I'm not afraid. Not when you're there. 

Or am I only imagining you?

__

Probably. Or maybe *I'm* imagining you. I don't know. 

So, this could just be one of those dreams I keep having? I'll just wake up and notice that you were never there? I'd wake up smiling, with the picture of you still before my eyes, and you're not really there?

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Maybe.

I don't want to wake up.

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What about your children? Won't you miss them? Or your wife?

She's not you. And I'm getting old. I've had a long life, I've seen many things, I've had many things. It's bound to happen sooner or later. I'm ready. 

And I've never missed anything more than you. 

I never hated you. I never despised you. You have to believe me, I'm so sorry, you have to...

__

Shhh... It's not important.

There's silence. It's not a bad silence, it's the kind that rocks you in its arms. I let it flow over me.

All those years. They weren't the same without you. All those people... My friends. Sam. I miss Sam. He was so... Sam. I'll miss him. 

We pulled it through, the re-election, the second term, all of it with flying colors, but it was never the same without you standing by my side. It was never the same, but I still kept going because I didn't know what else I could do. I got Sam as a governor, I almost got him back to the White House, but then there was the illness. When he...

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I know. I remember. He almost joined me, then.

Yes. We could've won. We _would've_ won. He had fifty-five. Fifty-five. Then it all came crashing down. He never run again. That was it. Sam gave up, I gave up.

Those were the days I needed you the most.

God, I've missed you.

__

You have no idea how worried they all were for you. How worried I was. They watched you fighting every day to keep yourself together, and when the day was over they went home to cry themselves to sleep because there was nothing they could do for you. You have no idea how many times Mr. President just sat in his chair, looking out of the window and thought about you. They weren't happy thoughts.

The day in May.

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The day he died?

He said something to me. He said 'she's waiting for you'. I always thought he meant Liz. It was you, wasn't it? He was talking about you. He knew.

__

They're happy now. They're proud of you. You pulled it through.

You were there. In my memories. When I was hurting, you were there. I just opened the box, your little box, and you were there again. You filled the room. Just as if you'd been alive. You kept me sane.

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No. Life kept you sane.

How much longer?

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Just a little while. Let them say goodbye to you.

"Dad?"

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Squeeze her hand, Josh. Let her know that you're hearing.

It takes all my strength to make my fingers move and close around her hand. Her little, fragile hand. "Dad?" I hear her whimpering. "Can you hear me?" I hold the grasp and hear her sighing contently. "We're all here, dad. June and Samuel and mom. We're all here." She is trying to be so brave. My little girl. She's trying to be brave but I can still hear her voice shivering. How did she grow up so fast? "Dad, we really love you. Very much." Oh, I love you too, sweetie. 

Her tear drops on my hand. 

Is there heaven?

__

No. There's... death.

It's heaven if you're there.

My hand let's go of her hand, it can't hold on any longer. I can't feel her anymore, though I know she's still there, holding my hand in hers. The peeping, it disappears. Just disappears. I can't hear their voices anymore. 

I turn my eyes at you. You're so beautiful. Just so beautiful.

__

Take my hand, Josh. It's time.

I reach out my hand. I can hear your smile. It's dazzling. God, I always loved your smile. Getting off of the bed is suddenly so easy, my steps feel light. I smile from the bottom of my heart.

__

Your smile. It reaches your eyes.

You hold out your arms, wide open. I walk into your embrace, wrap my arms around you, bury my face in your hair. I can taste your skin, smell your scent, touch you. It's so wonderful that I'm laughing. 

I can feel your lips, touching mine. I can finally feel you once more.

Don't ever let go of me again, don't ever.

__

I won't.

THE END


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